A look beyond the insanity - Confessions of the Suicidal

Lately there are so many things on my mind. After being told my health in on a downward spiral and chances that I will live beyond the next 2 years, I have really been doing a lot of thinking over life. What's truly important and what I "thought" was important.

After hearing about Robin Williams deciding to end his life yesterday (8/12/14) I saw so many people posting their negative thoughts about him. Many feel he was wrong/selfish in what he did.

In many ways I understand what they are saying and where they are coming from. I must say though that I can completely understand his decision and can respect him for it.

Before you stop reading this and begin to judge me for my options take a moment to finish reading this.

Almost my entire life I have been plagued with depression. As far back as I can remember there has always been a part of me that wanted to die, to cease to exist. I think I was 12 or 13 the first time my parents took me to a therapist for help.

I have tried every medication, 12 step program, hospital, religion, treatment center I could find/afford. None of which even began to touch what was actually going on inside.

I learned early on what was expected of me to say/feel/think. The very moment you mention to anyone that you wish you were not alive, they immediately want to ship you off to some hospital, drug you up, criticize and tell you how stupid and selfish you are.

I have no explanation at all as to why I have always fought depression/suicide .I have been suicidal through some of the best times in my life. Times I had everything.....a good home, money, family, friends....etc. More oft than not it is the extremely good times I find myself the most depressed. Not something I can explain nor understand.

I do know however that I feel things very deeply. I can be with someone who is hurting/depressed/sad/lonely and feel their pain to the point it makes me physically ill at times.

For many years I worked to help people that were homeless or very poor. It is something I have always loved to do and felt very passionate about it. So many nights after being around them, hearing their stories,  I would be awake most of the night, hurting deep within. I would cry for days over watching someone else's pain.

People who fight depression constantly feel things so deeply, so profoundly.

Today I cry over the things of the past. Times I mistreated others. Times I let them down. Times I could have been a better parent, sister, daughter, wife, friend. Times I abused the ones I loved the most, my children.

That is the one regret I have in my life. That I couldn't show love for the very ones that would have loved me unconditionally. The ones that depended on me for everything they needed. I could not be the mother I needed to be for inside I was in so much pain. That pain became so great that I let it consume me. I let it guide my hands when I hit my child. My mouth when I cursed them out. My feet as I walked away.

Nothing will ever change what I have done. All I can do is try to be the best person I know how to be now.

The crazy part of all this is, most people I encountered throughout my life never knew I had so much as a down day, much less the depression that gripped my heart.

You see, like Robin Williams and many others, I have a gift. I can make people laugh. I can see the funny, insane, random things in life. I know how to live each day fully and enjoy the simple pleasures. I can show others how to see the good side of life, how to let go of the past, how to love life. I can forgive, I can love, I can be kind. I just can't shake the depression that vexes my soul, constrains my thoughts, crushing my emotions.

At this point in my life the beast has subsided. I have a measure of peace. But like Robin and many others, you never know when that demon will begin to rise and show it's face.

Almost everyone I have ever known that battled depression/suicide they never know when it will surface or how it will be known. Oftentimes when I was at the lowest, with little to see that was good, hurting beyond belief..............those were the times I was the most creative. I have been a writer as long as I have known how to write. Those times of the greatest pain came some of my most creative writings.

I have referred to these places as my "dark place". In my dark place was were I was the most brutally honest with myself and the world. In those dark places I could say what I felt and thought deep within and not care what others had to say. You see, in poetry, art, comedy etc, those are the times we can express what is inside the depths of our souls and not be criticized for it. Not told we are wrong or stupid or selfish.

It is those mighty creations that the world holds us in such high regard for. People tell me all the time things like: "I wish I could write as well as you do", "I wish I could see life as you do". "I wish I could enjoy life as you do", "I wish I could touch others the way you touch."

No one wishes though to walk where I have walked. No one wishes to embrace the sorrow, the pain, the tears. No one wants to hear of the loneliness or suffering.

The main thing I want to address in this blog in the views that suicide is selfish and a wrong thing to do.

I understand the fact of leaving family, and others that care about you behind. I get that.

What I want to say is, have you considered how selfish it is to demand, expect someone to continue to live in such excruciating pain? Is it right for you to demand one lives for years and years and years in constant pain, in turmoil? Is it selfish for you to expect someone to just deny how/what they feel?

When we put these demands on people we are basically expecting them to live a life that is a lie. And to be honest after living this kind of life, I would wish it on no one. The lie brings a sorrow that cannot be healed.

People tell me all the time: "you should not feel that way", "you don't really feel that way" and more. So then you are expecting me to live a lie. You want me to pretend I am the same as you.

I'm sorry I can't change what is inside. I would take a pill if it was promised to get rid of, once and for all the depression. I would do anything I had to do, but the fact of the matter is, it is something that will NEVER go away. It is not a flaw. It is not a choice. It is how my body/brain is made.

I honestly don't see suicide as totally selfish. Maybe to some degree at times it is. Mostly I see it as someone saying you know, enough is enough. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm tired of hurting my family, my friends, those I love.

Suicide in some circumstances I can understand. One may feel it is far more merciful to end the circle of pain they are causing all who are near.

There is no real cure for those who are depressed from a lifelong depression. Yes medications and therapy help many. But there is some, nothing will cure.

For those their cure will come with their last breath.

And before I end this blog I want to address one argument I know will ensue from what I have written. That is the argument of God and/or religion.

Of this I can speak with first hand knowledge, experience.

I was involved in religion my entire life. First as a child, then as a wife and mother. I won't go into all of it in this blog post (but may in a future blog post).

Religion was held very high in my family. Religion was forced upon us, not given as a choice, The thing with religion is, for a person such as I, was even more detrimental.

Before I go on, please know I am in no way bashing religion, God, or those who choose to believe.

You see, religion is never pleased. Religion never is loving and accepting. You are always expected to change, deny, even lie about who and what you are.

If you are still sick with a disease, depression, addiction it is your own fault. You didn't believe enough. You didn't pray hard enough. You didn't deny enough. You just don't ever measure up. You are never good enough because you know deep within how you feel and can see it does not measure up to those who profess the religious claims.

I have known many people that go to churches, those who believe in God. Many I can say have touched my heart in good ways I cannot express.

I also know far more that have done more damage to myself and others by demanding their way is the only way. Demanding I not feel how I do.

If you burn your hand in a fire, you can deny all day long that it does not hurt. You can confess, believe, even pray it does not hurt. But in all honesty, it hurts.

So you have one of two choices. 1...lie and say it does not hurt or 2 admit it hurts.

I have wanted to post a blog on this subject for a very long time, years in fact but never had the courage to speak out. Today I find that courage because I am tired of the lie.

Am I advocating suicide? Certainly not. Do I understand it? Completely.

What you see as hope, for me merely appears to simply survive.

My only hope of being whole inside will only come with my last breath. Will it be of my own hand? I will say I hope with everything within me I never get to that place again. Quite a few years ago, I actually committed suicide. It was successful. And for many many many years I was angry and bitter that the doctors were able to revive me.

After I got out of the hospital then I was committed into a mental facility. I was told how wrong I was for ending my life. Yet it is my life. My choice. My burden.

I cannot tell you how much pain I would have saved my family and friends from by my own hand had I not lived through that suicide.

There have been times I was glad my life did not end at that time.

Mainly what I am trying to get across here is this one fact. Suicide IS an option. It is for many.

I hear all the time the saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

That can be true and can be false. It depends on the reason behind that choice.

If one chooses to end it all over a lost love for example, yes I can see it as a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

But, if it is a choice over a lifelong problem, illness that will never go away, can never be cured, then I say the opposite is true.

Why do we expect people to live a lifetime of misery?

So they can go on and make YOU laugh?

So they can continue to make YOU feel good?

So they can continue to inspire YOU?

Sorry my friend, who is being selfish now?

It is a shame that it takes the loss of such a beautiful soul as Robin Williams was before any one is willing to even speak of this demon.

I have to wonder what would have happened had others taken more seriously the struggle he and many others have endured.

How many could we save if we were willing to lay down our own opinions and desires and truly be a friend?

Before you judge...

Before you criticize...

Before you belittle...

Walk a few steps in another's shoes.

True suicide prevention is being willing to let others be honest and open.

If you demand anything less, then you do not have a right to call them selfish for wanting out.

Many will not understand, agree or even finish reading this blog. And that is alright with me.

I do not need your praise. I do not need your approval.

Only thing I needed?

Your love.

Until next time................................