rainy days. such pain.
drip, drip aching hip. more rain.
warm drink. movie. quiet day.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
I'm sorry I almost interrupted your day..
I saw your face as you noticed my tattered clothes and for a moment compassion was there.
You easily regained composure before you had to respond. I'm sorry I almost interrupted your day.
I'm sorry I almost interrupted your day...
I saw that moment when you realized I was hungry and nothing to eat.
Then you decided no one would understand if you reached out your hand.
I'm sorry I almost interrupted your day.
So many times we see the need yet decide it is too much trouble to interrupt our day so we walk on by.
To see the need and walk away is contributing to someones downfall.
Someones life may very well depend on you interrupting your day.
I’m sorry for interrupting your day....
Today I let you go and move on with my life.
When I love, I love without bounds.
When I forgive, I forgive completely.
But I let go of a lesson I learned years ago, and it has cost me dearly.
When I forgive, I forgive completely.
But I let go of a lesson I learned years ago, and it has cost me dearly.
Always keep a small portion of anger close to your heart lest you become blind to what caused your pain to begin with.
Once I choose to forgive another person, I forgive them completely.
What protected my heart was holding on to a small portion of anger toward myself for allowing myself to be put in a situation to begin with.
In holding the anger deep within, hidden behind my heart, I always was reminded of the pain just enough to not let the same mistake happen again.
I can only be hurt if I allow it to happen. My happiness is a choice & not situational. Once I allowed myself to be talked into forgiving myself completly, at that moment my heart became exposed, unguarded.
It will never be visible the pain I allowed you to cause. When I forgave you, knowing you are merely human such as I, it was complete.
Today I re-bottled a small portion of my anger and loathing of myself for putting my heart in a place you could reach. That way I carry a hidden, constant reminder of where it leads.
You will perhaps see me on the street, or in a store.....and appearances will say all is forgiven. For toward you they are.
When at the end of the day, it is myself I must answer to, must repent for allowing that small portion of my heart to be exposed, bruised & destroyed.
But today, even now, I hold that small bottle of rage, hatred of myself close to me. Protect is at all costs. It will be the only way to keep my weary heart beating.
Today I place the rage on the shelf by my heart. An area no one will ever penetrate again.
Today I let you go and move on with my life.
Once I choose to forgive another person, I forgive them completely.
What protected my heart was holding on to a small portion of anger toward myself for allowing myself to be put in a situation to begin with.
In holding the anger deep within, hidden behind my heart, I always was reminded of the pain just enough to not let the same mistake happen again.
I can only be hurt if I allow it to happen. My happiness is a choice & not situational. Once I allowed myself to be talked into forgiving myself completly, at that moment my heart became exposed, unguarded.
It will never be visible the pain I allowed you to cause. When I forgave you, knowing you are merely human such as I, it was complete.
Today I re-bottled a small portion of my anger and loathing of myself for putting my heart in a place you could reach. That way I carry a hidden, constant reminder of where it leads.
You will perhaps see me on the street, or in a store.....and appearances will say all is forgiven. For toward you they are.
When at the end of the day, it is myself I must answer to, must repent for allowing that small portion of my heart to be exposed, bruised & destroyed.
But today, even now, I hold that small bottle of rage, hatred of myself close to me. Protect is at all costs. It will be the only way to keep my weary heart beating.
Today I place the rage on the shelf by my heart. An area no one will ever penetrate again.
Today I let you go and move on with my life.
1 X 1
...one by one, something precious continues to fall away
...another night, the heart grieves, longing for the day
...eyes look around, seeking a passion once known
...another night, the heart grieves, longing for the day
...eyes look around, seeking a passion once known
...the view is so dim, the fog creeps in, blindness is sown
...slowly there are more pieces than the whole, need a box
...alone, broken, used up, tossed aside, heading for the dock
...looking into the waters deep, even more sorrow demanding an end
...walking the pier, dropping each broken part, then jumps, knowing nothing will mend
...one by one, someone precious is lost
...slowly there are more pieces than the whole, need a box
...alone, broken, used up, tossed aside, heading for the dock
...looking into the waters deep, even more sorrow demanding an end
...walking the pier, dropping each broken part, then jumps, knowing nothing will mend
...one by one, someone precious is lost
Thursday, May 16, 2019
You Have Failed And Are Failing Your Children & Our Future!
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*Disclaimer:I just wrote this on the fly because I saw something the other day that really broke my heart and just had to say something somewhere.
You may not agree with most or all of what I have said here but please just read it and look in the mirror and ask yourself how much of this fits.
If it is you do something about it. You very well are raising one of our future presidents, congressmen/women, mayors, policemen/women, teachers, scientist, the possibilities are endless.
We SHOULD want a better life for our next generation. So let's give them the tools to obtain everything they can and reach any goal/dream they have for themselves.
Pardon any bad grammar, misspellings or overall bad writing. I just had to say something. Somewhere. Thank you if you read this. Nothing in this writing is meant to condemn. Quite the opposite, it is to hopefully wake us up in time to save the children of our future.
If you would like to talk about anything in this post feel free to contact me here: Babs Bed & Breakfast *
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Dear parents...
If your child grows up and leaves home to live on his/her own and they:
- don't know how to make a bed
- don't know how to wash their clothes
- doesn't know basic house cleaning skills
- don't know how to buy groceries
- doesn't know how to count money, take care of their money, save money, earn money
- doesn't know how to cook enough to survive
- doesn't know how to speak properly
- doesn't know how to respect their elders, family, neighbors, school/workmates
- doesn't know how to fill out a job application, hospital form, school forms etc
- doesn't understand that life isn't fair
- doesn't understand that they HAVE to work and make their OWN way
- expects everything handed to them
- gets their feelings hurt over every little thing said to them (not referring to REAL bullying and/or abuse and the difference between real and imagined)
- fights with everyone who doesn't look like them, think like them and believe like them
- can't work through past/present/future hurts
- blames everything they do wrong on others instead of taking responsibility of errors, bad choices and flat out things they KNOW is wrong
- can't convey how they feel (whether in words or some other peaceful way, EX: art, music etc.)
- doesn't know how to get themselves up on time, dressed and where they need to be on their own
- [I could go on but you get the point, I hope.]
Then YOU have failed your child, our society AND our future.
It is sad to say the last few generations are so lost because parents have stopped for one reason or another teaching their children how to live once they leave home.
When I was growing up I hated my parents for the things they made me do EX: chores and things around the house. I felt they were being unfair.
I remember we were never allowed to even get our drivers permit until we could change a tire by ourselves, we knew how to check the oil, check and make sure the tires had enough air in them and much more.
Now children are given cars and allowed to drive without a license much less know how to do anything with the car if they were to break down or have an emergency.
Every child in our home knew how to do a simple load of laundry, iron them, put them away. If you couldn't prove you knew how to take care of what you had, you were apt to not get very much in the way of new clothes/shoes etc. You wore what you were given, took care of it and hoped whatever your parents bought you wasn't too embarrassing in front of your friends until you realized that their parents too picked out their clothing so it pretty much evened out.
You ate what was put before you. We didn't have the luxury of saying we didn't like something and demand someone cook us something different. If you didn't eat it that meal it was put up and served to you the next meal and so on until you ate it. The only excepts were if you had an allergy to something.
Today kids are given $100-$300 jeans, they wear them once or twice (if at all), decide they don't like them and DEMAND new ones.
They tear their clothes up, give them away, throw them away, lose them, anything but take care of them because they know mom/dad/grand parents/someone will hand them the next big thing they think they must have.
I have spent my adult life working with the homeless and low-income families and it breaks my heart to see how they are growing up. But even more it is the families that have well above average income-to wealthy that I find fail their children the most.
Giving them every little thing they want, clothes, phones, computers, tablets, cars, and more.
Every day I go out around my town my heart breaks watching our broken generation. A group young of men and women who don't know how to function in life. If it isn't in a phone or on a tablet they most likely don't know how to do it.
Our young ladies having 2, 3, 4 and more babies and more oft than not by different men and a good portion of these ladies don't even know who the fathers are. Much less have the support of those fathers because the young men weren't taught how to be men and take care of their children. What examples did they even have? So many of these young men didn't even know who their fathers were or if they did they didn't have any kind of relationship or guidance from them.
I see more and more grandmothers and great-grandmothers raising their grandchildren because their moms and dads can't or won't.
Young people come work for the agency that provide my home health care and can't even make a simple twin size hospital bed. Almost everyone that has come to me looked at the sheets and asked me "how do I put these on your bed?"
Seriously.
These young ladies come and are supposed to cook and clean for me. I have to show them how to sweep and mop. Very few can cook a simple meal like bacon, eggs and toast. My last aide did not know how to even use a can opener.
It is rare that a week goes by that I don't hear a young person tell me they wouldn't mind getting a job but they can't figure out how to fill out a job application or what they should even say on it.
So many haven't graduated high school and if they did they still can't read nor write.
My heart breaks for this generation. They don't know how to love or live because they have spent almost their entire life inside a phone, computer, video game, TV and other electronics. They can't function without at least a phone in their hand.
Thank gawd for Google and YouTube or many would never figure out how to do anything in life.
It is time we quit depending on the schools and society to raise our children and get back to being REAL parents.
It's no wonder our politics, religion and society in general is so out of hand these days. People don't know how to live and let live.
If you are a young person reading this and you don't know how to do something you know you should be teaching your child please, please, please go find an older person, a grandmother, teacher, someone.
PLEASE someone in this generation step up and say no more! Step up and start raising a new generation that knows how to live. Even if you have to spend the rest of your life looking up YouTube videos to teach yourself first, it is worth it in the end to see your child grown up to be a man or woman that can navigate life and raise their families up to be a functional generation.
IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO SAVE HUMANITY AND CREATE A FUNCTIONAL SOCIETY AGAIN!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A look beyond the insanity - Confessions of the Suicidal
Lately there are so many things on my mind. After being told my health in on a downward spiral and chances that I will live beyond the next 2 years, I have really been doing a lot of thinking over life. What's truly important and what I "thought" was important.
After hearing about Robin Williams deciding to end his life yesterday (8/12/14) I saw so many people posting their negative thoughts about him. Many feel he was wrong/selfish in what he did.
In many ways I understand what they are saying and where they are coming from. I must say though that I can completely understand his decision and can respect him for it.
Before you stop reading this and begin to judge me for my options take a moment to finish reading this.
Almost my entire life I have been plagued with depression. As far back as I can remember there has always been a part of me that wanted to die, to cease to exist. I think I was 12 or 13 the first time my parents took me to a therapist for help.
I have tried every medication, 12 step program, hospital, religion, treatment center I could find/afford. None of which even began to touch what was actually going on inside.
I learned early on what was expected of me to say/feel/think. The very moment you mention to anyone that you wish you were not alive, they immediately want to ship you off to some hospital, drug you up, criticize and tell you how stupid and selfish you are.
I have no explanation at all as to why I have always fought depression/suicide .I have been suicidal through some of the best times in my life. Times I had everything.....a good home, money, family, friends....etc. More oft than not it is the extremely good times I find myself the most depressed. Not something I can explain nor understand.
I do know however that I feel things very deeply. I can be with someone who is hurting/depressed/sad/lonely and feel their pain to the point it makes me physically ill at times.
For many years I worked to help people that were homeless or very poor. It is something I have always loved to do and felt very passionate about it. So many nights after being around them, hearing their stories, I would be awake most of the night, hurting deep within. I would cry for days over watching someone else's pain.
People who fight depression constantly feel things so deeply, so profoundly.
Today I cry over the things of the past. Times I mistreated others. Times I let them down. Times I could have been a better parent, sister, daughter, wife, friend. Times I abused the ones I loved the most, my children.
That is the one regret I have in my life. That I couldn't show love for the very ones that would have loved me unconditionally. The ones that depended on me for everything they needed. I could not be the mother I needed to be for inside I was in so much pain. That pain became so great that I let it consume me. I let it guide my hands when I hit my child. My mouth when I cursed them out. My feet as I walked away.
Nothing will ever change what I have done. All I can do is try to be the best person I know how to be now.
The crazy part of all this is, most people I encountered throughout my life never knew I had so much as a down day, much less the depression that gripped my heart.
You see, like Robin Williams and many others, I have a gift. I can make people laugh. I can see the funny, insane, random things in life. I know how to live each day fully and enjoy the simple pleasures. I can show others how to see the good side of life, how to let go of the past, how to love life. I can forgive, I can love, I can be kind. I just can't shake the depression that vexes my soul, constrains my thoughts, crushing my emotions.
At this point in my life the beast has subsided. I have a measure of peace. But like Robin and many others, you never know when that demon will begin to rise and show it's face.
Almost everyone I have ever known that battled depression/suicide they never know when it will surface or how it will be known. Oftentimes when I was at the lowest, with little to see that was good, hurting beyond belief..............those were the times I was the most creative. I have been a writer as long as I have known how to write. Those times of the greatest pain came some of my most creative writings.
I have referred to these places as my "dark place". In my dark place was were I was the most brutally honest with myself and the world. In those dark places I could say what I felt and thought deep within and not care what others had to say. You see, in poetry, art, comedy etc, those are the times we can express what is inside the depths of our souls and not be criticized for it. Not told we are wrong or stupid or selfish.
It is those mighty creations that the world holds us in such high regard for. People tell me all the time things like: "I wish I could write as well as you do", "I wish I could see life as you do". "I wish I could enjoy life as you do", "I wish I could touch others the way you touch."
No one wishes though to walk where I have walked. No one wishes to embrace the sorrow, the pain, the tears. No one wants to hear of the loneliness or suffering.
The main thing I want to address in this blog in the views that suicide is selfish and a wrong thing to do.
I understand the fact of leaving family, and others that care about you behind. I get that.
What I want to say is, have you considered how selfish it is to demand, expect someone to continue to live in such excruciating pain? Is it right for you to demand one lives for years and years and years in constant pain, in turmoil? Is it selfish for you to expect someone to just deny how/what they feel?
When we put these demands on people we are basically expecting them to live a life that is a lie. And to be honest after living this kind of life, I would wish it on no one. The lie brings a sorrow that cannot be healed.
People tell me all the time: "you should not feel that way", "you don't really feel that way" and more. So then you are expecting me to live a lie. You want me to pretend I am the same as you.
I'm sorry I can't change what is inside. I would take a pill if it was promised to get rid of, once and for all the depression. I would do anything I had to do, but the fact of the matter is, it is something that will NEVER go away. It is not a flaw. It is not a choice. It is how my body/brain is made.
I honestly don't see suicide as totally selfish. Maybe to some degree at times it is. Mostly I see it as someone saying you know, enough is enough. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm tired of hurting my family, my friends, those I love.
Suicide in some circumstances I can understand. One may feel it is far more merciful to end the circle of pain they are causing all who are near.
There is no real cure for those who are depressed from a lifelong depression. Yes medications and therapy help many. But there is some, nothing will cure.
For those their cure will come with their last breath.
And before I end this blog I want to address one argument I know will ensue from what I have written. That is the argument of God and/or religion.
Of this I can speak with first hand knowledge, experience.
I was involved in religion my entire life. First as a child, then as a wife and mother. I won't go into all of it in this blog post (but may in a future blog post).
Religion was held very high in my family. Religion was forced upon us, not given as a choice, The thing with religion is, for a person such as I, was even more detrimental.
Before I go on, please know I am in no way bashing religion, God, or those who choose to believe.
You see, religion is never pleased. Religion never is loving and accepting. You are always expected to change, deny, even lie about who and what you are.
If you are still sick with a disease, depression, addiction it is your own fault. You didn't believe enough. You didn't pray hard enough. You didn't deny enough. You just don't ever measure up. You are never good enough because you know deep within how you feel and can see it does not measure up to those who profess the religious claims.
I have known many people that go to churches, those who believe in God. Many I can say have touched my heart in good ways I cannot express.
I also know far more that have done more damage to myself and others by demanding their way is the only way. Demanding I not feel how I do.
If you burn your hand in a fire, you can deny all day long that it does not hurt. You can confess, believe, even pray it does not hurt. But in all honesty, it hurts.
So you have one of two choices. 1...lie and say it does not hurt or 2 admit it hurts.
I have wanted to post a blog on this subject for a very long time, years in fact but never had the courage to speak out. Today I find that courage because I am tired of the lie.
Am I advocating suicide? Certainly not. Do I understand it? Completely.
What you see as hope, for me merely appears to simply survive.
My only hope of being whole inside will only come with my last breath. Will it be of my own hand? I will say I hope with everything within me I never get to that place again. Quite a few years ago, I actually committed suicide. It was successful. And for many many many years I was angry and bitter that the doctors were able to revive me.
After I got out of the hospital then I was committed into a mental facility. I was told how wrong I was for ending my life. Yet it is my life. My choice. My burden.
I cannot tell you how much pain I would have saved my family and friends from by my own hand had I not lived through that suicide.
There have been times I was glad my life did not end at that time.
Mainly what I am trying to get across here is this one fact. Suicide IS an option. It is for many.
I hear all the time the saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".
That can be true and can be false. It depends on the reason behind that choice.
If one chooses to end it all over a lost love for example, yes I can see it as a permanent fix for a temporary problem.
But, if it is a choice over a lifelong problem, illness that will never go away, can never be cured, then I say the opposite is true.
Why do we expect people to live a lifetime of misery?
So they can go on and make YOU laugh?
So they can continue to make YOU feel good?
So they can continue to inspire YOU?
Sorry my friend, who is being selfish now?
It is a shame that it takes the loss of such a beautiful soul as Robin Williams was before any one is willing to even speak of this demon.
I have to wonder what would have happened had others taken more seriously the struggle he and many others have endured.
How many could we save if we were willing to lay down our own opinions and desires and truly be a friend?
Before you judge...
Before you criticize...
Before you belittle...
Walk a few steps in another's shoes.
True suicide prevention is being willing to let others be honest and open.
If you demand anything less, then you do not have a right to call them selfish for wanting out.
Many will not understand, agree or even finish reading this blog. And that is alright with me.
I do not need your praise. I do not need your approval.
Only thing I needed?
Your love.
Until next time................................
After hearing about Robin Williams deciding to end his life yesterday (8/12/14) I saw so many people posting their negative thoughts about him. Many feel he was wrong/selfish in what he did.
In many ways I understand what they are saying and where they are coming from. I must say though that I can completely understand his decision and can respect him for it.
Before you stop reading this and begin to judge me for my options take a moment to finish reading this.
Almost my entire life I have been plagued with depression. As far back as I can remember there has always been a part of me that wanted to die, to cease to exist. I think I was 12 or 13 the first time my parents took me to a therapist for help.
I have tried every medication, 12 step program, hospital, religion, treatment center I could find/afford. None of which even began to touch what was actually going on inside.
I learned early on what was expected of me to say/feel/think. The very moment you mention to anyone that you wish you were not alive, they immediately want to ship you off to some hospital, drug you up, criticize and tell you how stupid and selfish you are.
I have no explanation at all as to why I have always fought depression/suicide .I have been suicidal through some of the best times in my life. Times I had everything.....a good home, money, family, friends....etc. More oft than not it is the extremely good times I find myself the most depressed. Not something I can explain nor understand.
I do know however that I feel things very deeply. I can be with someone who is hurting/depressed/sad/lonely and feel their pain to the point it makes me physically ill at times.
For many years I worked to help people that were homeless or very poor. It is something I have always loved to do and felt very passionate about it. So many nights after being around them, hearing their stories, I would be awake most of the night, hurting deep within. I would cry for days over watching someone else's pain.
People who fight depression constantly feel things so deeply, so profoundly.
Today I cry over the things of the past. Times I mistreated others. Times I let them down. Times I could have been a better parent, sister, daughter, wife, friend. Times I abused the ones I loved the most, my children.
That is the one regret I have in my life. That I couldn't show love for the very ones that would have loved me unconditionally. The ones that depended on me for everything they needed. I could not be the mother I needed to be for inside I was in so much pain. That pain became so great that I let it consume me. I let it guide my hands when I hit my child. My mouth when I cursed them out. My feet as I walked away.
Nothing will ever change what I have done. All I can do is try to be the best person I know how to be now.
The crazy part of all this is, most people I encountered throughout my life never knew I had so much as a down day, much less the depression that gripped my heart.
You see, like Robin Williams and many others, I have a gift. I can make people laugh. I can see the funny, insane, random things in life. I know how to live each day fully and enjoy the simple pleasures. I can show others how to see the good side of life, how to let go of the past, how to love life. I can forgive, I can love, I can be kind. I just can't shake the depression that vexes my soul, constrains my thoughts, crushing my emotions.
At this point in my life the beast has subsided. I have a measure of peace. But like Robin and many others, you never know when that demon will begin to rise and show it's face.
Almost everyone I have ever known that battled depression/suicide they never know when it will surface or how it will be known. Oftentimes when I was at the lowest, with little to see that was good, hurting beyond belief..............those were the times I was the most creative. I have been a writer as long as I have known how to write. Those times of the greatest pain came some of my most creative writings.
I have referred to these places as my "dark place". In my dark place was were I was the most brutally honest with myself and the world. In those dark places I could say what I felt and thought deep within and not care what others had to say. You see, in poetry, art, comedy etc, those are the times we can express what is inside the depths of our souls and not be criticized for it. Not told we are wrong or stupid or selfish.
It is those mighty creations that the world holds us in such high regard for. People tell me all the time things like: "I wish I could write as well as you do", "I wish I could see life as you do". "I wish I could enjoy life as you do", "I wish I could touch others the way you touch."
No one wishes though to walk where I have walked. No one wishes to embrace the sorrow, the pain, the tears. No one wants to hear of the loneliness or suffering.
The main thing I want to address in this blog in the views that suicide is selfish and a wrong thing to do.
I understand the fact of leaving family, and others that care about you behind. I get that.
What I want to say is, have you considered how selfish it is to demand, expect someone to continue to live in such excruciating pain? Is it right for you to demand one lives for years and years and years in constant pain, in turmoil? Is it selfish for you to expect someone to just deny how/what they feel?
When we put these demands on people we are basically expecting them to live a life that is a lie. And to be honest after living this kind of life, I would wish it on no one. The lie brings a sorrow that cannot be healed.
People tell me all the time: "you should not feel that way", "you don't really feel that way" and more. So then you are expecting me to live a lie. You want me to pretend I am the same as you.
I'm sorry I can't change what is inside. I would take a pill if it was promised to get rid of, once and for all the depression. I would do anything I had to do, but the fact of the matter is, it is something that will NEVER go away. It is not a flaw. It is not a choice. It is how my body/brain is made.
I honestly don't see suicide as totally selfish. Maybe to some degree at times it is. Mostly I see it as someone saying you know, enough is enough. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm tired of hurting my family, my friends, those I love.
Suicide in some circumstances I can understand. One may feel it is far more merciful to end the circle of pain they are causing all who are near.
There is no real cure for those who are depressed from a lifelong depression. Yes medications and therapy help many. But there is some, nothing will cure.
For those their cure will come with their last breath.
And before I end this blog I want to address one argument I know will ensue from what I have written. That is the argument of God and/or religion.
Of this I can speak with first hand knowledge, experience.
I was involved in religion my entire life. First as a child, then as a wife and mother. I won't go into all of it in this blog post (but may in a future blog post).
Religion was held very high in my family. Religion was forced upon us, not given as a choice, The thing with religion is, for a person such as I, was even more detrimental.
Before I go on, please know I am in no way bashing religion, God, or those who choose to believe.
You see, religion is never pleased. Religion never is loving and accepting. You are always expected to change, deny, even lie about who and what you are.
If you are still sick with a disease, depression, addiction it is your own fault. You didn't believe enough. You didn't pray hard enough. You didn't deny enough. You just don't ever measure up. You are never good enough because you know deep within how you feel and can see it does not measure up to those who profess the religious claims.
I have known many people that go to churches, those who believe in God. Many I can say have touched my heart in good ways I cannot express.
I also know far more that have done more damage to myself and others by demanding their way is the only way. Demanding I not feel how I do.
If you burn your hand in a fire, you can deny all day long that it does not hurt. You can confess, believe, even pray it does not hurt. But in all honesty, it hurts.
So you have one of two choices. 1...lie and say it does not hurt or 2 admit it hurts.
I have wanted to post a blog on this subject for a very long time, years in fact but never had the courage to speak out. Today I find that courage because I am tired of the lie.
Am I advocating suicide? Certainly not. Do I understand it? Completely.
What you see as hope, for me merely appears to simply survive.
My only hope of being whole inside will only come with my last breath. Will it be of my own hand? I will say I hope with everything within me I never get to that place again. Quite a few years ago, I actually committed suicide. It was successful. And for many many many years I was angry and bitter that the doctors were able to revive me.
After I got out of the hospital then I was committed into a mental facility. I was told how wrong I was for ending my life. Yet it is my life. My choice. My burden.
I cannot tell you how much pain I would have saved my family and friends from by my own hand had I not lived through that suicide.
There have been times I was glad my life did not end at that time.
Mainly what I am trying to get across here is this one fact. Suicide IS an option. It is for many.
I hear all the time the saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".
That can be true and can be false. It depends on the reason behind that choice.
If one chooses to end it all over a lost love for example, yes I can see it as a permanent fix for a temporary problem.
But, if it is a choice over a lifelong problem, illness that will never go away, can never be cured, then I say the opposite is true.
Why do we expect people to live a lifetime of misery?
So they can go on and make YOU laugh?
So they can continue to make YOU feel good?
So they can continue to inspire YOU?
Sorry my friend, who is being selfish now?
It is a shame that it takes the loss of such a beautiful soul as Robin Williams was before any one is willing to even speak of this demon.
I have to wonder what would have happened had others taken more seriously the struggle he and many others have endured.
How many could we save if we were willing to lay down our own opinions and desires and truly be a friend?
Before you judge...
Before you criticize...
Before you belittle...
Walk a few steps in another's shoes.
True suicide prevention is being willing to let others be honest and open.
If you demand anything less, then you do not have a right to call them selfish for wanting out.
Many will not understand, agree or even finish reading this blog. And that is alright with me.
I do not need your praise. I do not need your approval.
Only thing I needed?
Your love.
Until next time................................
Monday, February 17, 2014
The Five Year Plan
Tomorrow is the day I have my echo-gram done to see if I am going to need to have a defibrillator put in or not, then with that information I will be armed with information to implement my five year plan.
I know you all have been seeing me refer to 5 years and have been questioning what this means. I hope this blog will explain this to you.
I have made all my decisions now on when I die, and am in the process of getting it all official. Trying my best to have all in order and paid for before I croak. Even if I live another 40 years it will be a load off my mind to know it is all paid for, planned out and a trustworthy person that I know will carry out my wishes, no matter what.
You are never too young to think about your final plans. Don't leave unnecessary expenses for family. Don't leave what little you have to the government. If you do not wish to leave what you have to family consider willing everything to a homeless shelter or program, a domestic violence facility or juvenile facility.
Donating to places like GOODWILL and The Salvation Army USA helps no one. They do not give needed clothing and items to people in need. They sell everything they get in donations. They do hire handicapped people, but that in itself is minimal as now they do most of their hiring for non-disabled people.
Always go to independent shelters and donate locally, that way you know what you give gets used as per your wishes.
Decide early if you plan to have a DNR or if you wish to be an organ donor. These decisions are very hard to make for family when you are in a coma or have already passed away.
My will is very specific as to my wishes. This takes all the questions and strife out of the equation.
You are never too young to take this burden off your family. Don't leave them with final expenses they cannot afford and the strife of arguing between each other as to what they "think" your wishes are.
Main thing to consider is: Make sure the person you choose for your executor of your will has the balls to just do what is asked and not care what others say or think. I mean, the person dying has the final say. I haven't been always able to live how I really wanted but by god I am going to die exactly how I wish.
Be warned I am making a lot of hard decisions in my life right now. Life is just too too short to not live it how you want, with who you want, where you want.
I am done with people pleasing. It is MY time. I have spent my entire life people pleasing, doing what I thought I should to be accepted in the areas of my life I lived.
I am one of those people that either you love me completely or you hate me completely, and I am fine with that. If you don't like me or what I say, move on. No hard feelings, it's what I do.
I am done with negativity and shit.
Be real me and I will be real with you.
I am not going to pretend I am something I'm not just to make you like me.
I love my family enough to get my affairs in order to keep them from having to carry the load. Other than that any relationships I have from this point on will be honest and positive ones. I don't care if you are blood, if you can't leave the past the past and live a positive healing life today, it may be time to move on.
My doctors are telling me I have 5 good years to live my life. They are not saying I am dying in 5 years, but instead are saying if there are things you want to do in life, you need to get them done in the next 5 years. After that my health will start failing to the point I won't be able to be mobile.
I have made my decisions and plans for the next 5 years. I have about 6 months of rehab left to do. By then I plan to have a small pop-up camper bought and plan to start traveling. My goal will be to see how many states I can visit in the next five years. If I am going strong still then I plan to hit the UK and meet all my friends/family there.
I am going to enjoy my life to the fullest I can. Meet as many people as I can. And see as many places as I can.
If you want me to forgive you must be willing to forgive yourself. I can't stand people that ask me to do things they are not willing to do themselves.
A good leader will pull up their sleeve and work beside someone, not stand above them and demand.
I made a choice last year to live a life of love and forgiveness. When I finally choose to forgive, I forgive completely. I don't keep bringing it up. We all have done things we are ashamed of. We all made mistakes and poor decisions. No one is above making mistakes and hurting others.
I will be brutally honest with myself and others for this is my salvation. It's my lies to myself and others that are my worst enemy.
Yes I was not the best mother to my children. I regret that with everything within me. I cannot change the hurt and pain I caused my children.
I can choose to not dwell in that and learn from my mistakes. Relationships are give and take. Today I give all I have to each relationship I have. I have learned to deal with my anger, and the abuse I grew up with. Just because I was abused, beaten, raped and more, does not give me the right to lash out at someone else.
I have to make a conscious choice each day to hold my anger, my judgmental attitude, my hate. I have to CHOOSE love.
If I cannot say something good, something positive that will neutralize a situation, I choose to walk away. I refuse to fight for love, I choose to not gossip, or argue. Life is just too short to live in a negative way.
If you have nothing good or positive to say to me, please just choose to keep your mouth shut or walk away, because if not I will be the one to walk away.
I am NOT going to be abused, bullied or used again.
Be real with me and I will be real with you. From this point on I will only choose positive family and friends.
If you are told you only have five years to do what you want in your life, what will you choose?
Will you go out in love and peace? or go out with bitterness and anger and heart full of pain?
I'm going out happy. No Matter What.
That.Is.All.
I know you all have been seeing me refer to 5 years and have been questioning what this means. I hope this blog will explain this to you.
I have made all my decisions now on when I die, and am in the process of getting it all official. Trying my best to have all in order and paid for before I croak. Even if I live another 40 years it will be a load off my mind to know it is all paid for, planned out and a trustworthy person that I know will carry out my wishes, no matter what.
You are never too young to think about your final plans. Don't leave unnecessary expenses for family. Don't leave what little you have to the government. If you do not wish to leave what you have to family consider willing everything to a homeless shelter or program, a domestic violence facility or juvenile facility.
Donating to places like GOODWILL and The Salvation Army USA helps no one. They do not give needed clothing and items to people in need. They sell everything they get in donations. They do hire handicapped people, but that in itself is minimal as now they do most of their hiring for non-disabled people.
Always go to independent shelters and donate locally, that way you know what you give gets used as per your wishes.
Decide early if you plan to have a DNR or if you wish to be an organ donor. These decisions are very hard to make for family when you are in a coma or have already passed away.
My will is very specific as to my wishes. This takes all the questions and strife out of the equation.
You are never too young to take this burden off your family. Don't leave them with final expenses they cannot afford and the strife of arguing between each other as to what they "think" your wishes are.
Main thing to consider is: Make sure the person you choose for your executor of your will has the balls to just do what is asked and not care what others say or think. I mean, the person dying has the final say. I haven't been always able to live how I really wanted but by god I am going to die exactly how I wish.
Be warned I am making a lot of hard decisions in my life right now. Life is just too too short to not live it how you want, with who you want, where you want.
I am done with people pleasing. It is MY time. I have spent my entire life people pleasing, doing what I thought I should to be accepted in the areas of my life I lived.
I am one of those people that either you love me completely or you hate me completely, and I am fine with that. If you don't like me or what I say, move on. No hard feelings, it's what I do.
I am done with negativity and shit.
Be real me and I will be real with you.
I am not going to pretend I am something I'm not just to make you like me.
I love my family enough to get my affairs in order to keep them from having to carry the load. Other than that any relationships I have from this point on will be honest and positive ones. I don't care if you are blood, if you can't leave the past the past and live a positive healing life today, it may be time to move on.
My doctors are telling me I have 5 good years to live my life. They are not saying I am dying in 5 years, but instead are saying if there are things you want to do in life, you need to get them done in the next 5 years. After that my health will start failing to the point I won't be able to be mobile.
I have made my decisions and plans for the next 5 years. I have about 6 months of rehab left to do. By then I plan to have a small pop-up camper bought and plan to start traveling. My goal will be to see how many states I can visit in the next five years. If I am going strong still then I plan to hit the UK and meet all my friends/family there.
I am going to enjoy my life to the fullest I can. Meet as many people as I can. And see as many places as I can.
If you want me to forgive you must be willing to forgive yourself. I can't stand people that ask me to do things they are not willing to do themselves.
A good leader will pull up their sleeve and work beside someone, not stand above them and demand.
I made a choice last year to live a life of love and forgiveness. When I finally choose to forgive, I forgive completely. I don't keep bringing it up. We all have done things we are ashamed of. We all made mistakes and poor decisions. No one is above making mistakes and hurting others.
I will be brutally honest with myself and others for this is my salvation. It's my lies to myself and others that are my worst enemy.
Yes I was not the best mother to my children. I regret that with everything within me. I cannot change the hurt and pain I caused my children.
I can choose to not dwell in that and learn from my mistakes. Relationships are give and take. Today I give all I have to each relationship I have. I have learned to deal with my anger, and the abuse I grew up with. Just because I was abused, beaten, raped and more, does not give me the right to lash out at someone else.
I have to make a conscious choice each day to hold my anger, my judgmental attitude, my hate. I have to CHOOSE love.
If I cannot say something good, something positive that will neutralize a situation, I choose to walk away. I refuse to fight for love, I choose to not gossip, or argue. Life is just too short to live in a negative way.
If you have nothing good or positive to say to me, please just choose to keep your mouth shut or walk away, because if not I will be the one to walk away.
I am NOT going to be abused, bullied or used again.
Be real with me and I will be real with you. From this point on I will only choose positive family and friends.
If you are told you only have five years to do what you want in your life, what will you choose?
Will you go out in love and peace? or go out with bitterness and anger and heart full of pain?
I'm going out happy. No Matter What.
That.Is.All.
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