The Five Year Plan

Tomorrow is the day I have my echo-gram done to see if I am going to need to have a defibrillator put in or not, then with that information I will be armed with information to implement my five year plan.

I know you all have been seeing me refer to 5 years and have been questioning what this means. I hope this blog will explain this to you.

I have made all my decisions now on when I die, and am in the process of getting it all official. Trying my best to have all in order and paid for before I croak. Even if I live another 40 years it will be a load off my mind to know it is all paid for, planned out and a trustworthy person that I know will carry out my wishes, no matter what.

You are never too young to think about your final plans. Don't leave unnecessary expenses for family. Don't leave what little you have to the government. If you do not wish to leave what you have to family consider willing everything to a homeless shelter or program, a domestic violence facility or juvenile facility.

Donating to places like GOODWILL and The Salvation Army USA helps no one. They do not give needed clothing and items to people in need. They sell everything they get in donations. They do hire handicapped people, but that in itself is minimal as now they do most of their hiring for non-disabled people.

Always go to independent shelters and donate locally, that way you know what you give gets used as per your wishes.

Decide early if you plan to have a DNR or if you wish to be an organ donor. These decisions are very hard to make for family when you are in a coma or have already passed away.

My will is very specific as to my wishes. This takes all the questions and strife out of the equation.

You are never too young to take this burden off  your family. Don't leave them with final expenses they cannot afford and the strife of arguing between each other as to what they "think" your wishes are.

Main thing to consider is: Make sure the person you choose for your executor of your will has the balls to just do what is asked and not care what others say or think. I mean, the person dying has the final say. I haven't been always able to live how I really wanted but by god I am going to die exactly how I wish.

Be warned I am making a lot of hard decisions in my life right now. Life is just too too short to not live it how you want, with who you want, where you want.

I am done with people pleasing. It is MY time. I have spent my entire life people pleasing, doing what I thought I should to be accepted in the areas of my life I lived.

I am one of those people that either you love me completely or you hate me completely, and I am fine with that. If you don't like me or what I say, move on. No hard feelings, it's what I do.

I am done with negativity and shit.

Be real me and I will be real with you.

I am not going to pretend I am something I'm not just to make you like me.

I love my family enough to get my affairs in order to keep them from having to carry the load. Other than that any relationships I have from this point on will be honest and positive ones. I don't care if you are blood, if you can't leave the past the past and live a positive healing life today, it may be time to move on.

My doctors are telling me I have 5 good years to live my life. They are not saying I am dying in 5 years, but instead are saying if there are things you want to do in life, you need to get them done in the next 5 years. After that my health will start failing to the point I won't be able to be mobile.

I have made my decisions and plans for the next 5 years. I have about 6 months of rehab left to do. By then I plan to have a small pop-up camper bought and plan to start traveling. My goal will be to see how many states I can visit in the next five years. If I am going strong still then I plan to hit the UK and meet all my friends/family there.

I am going to enjoy my life to the fullest I can. Meet as many people as I can. And see as many places as I can.

If you want me to forgive you must be willing to forgive yourself. I can't stand people that ask me to do things they are not willing to do themselves.

A good leader will pull up their sleeve and work beside someone, not stand above them and demand.

I made a choice last year to live a life of love and forgiveness. When I finally choose to forgive, I forgive completely. I don't keep bringing it up. We all have done things we are ashamed of. We all made mistakes and poor decisions. No one is above making mistakes and hurting others.

I will be brutally honest with myself and others for this is my salvation. It's my lies to myself and others that are my worst enemy.

Yes I was not the best mother to my children. I regret that with everything within me. I cannot change the hurt and pain I caused my children.

I can choose to not dwell in that and learn from my mistakes. Relationships are give and take. Today I give all I have to each relationship I have. I have learned to deal with my anger, and the abuse I grew up with. Just because I was abused, beaten, raped and more, does not give me the right to lash out at someone else.

I have to make a conscious choice each day to hold my anger, my judgmental attitude, my hate. I have to CHOOSE love.

If I cannot say something good, something positive that will neutralize a situation, I choose to walk away. I refuse to fight for love, I choose to not gossip, or argue. Life is just too short to live in a negative way.

If you have nothing good or positive to say to me, please just choose to keep your mouth shut or walk away, because if not I will be the one to walk away.

I am NOT going to be abused, bullied or used again.

Be real with me and I will be real with you. From this point on I will only choose positive family and friends.

If you are told you only have five years to do what you want in your life, what will you choose?

Will you go out in love and peace? or go out with bitterness and anger and heart full of pain?

I'm going out happy. No Matter What.

That.Is.All.

How atheism saved my life

Religion has been a focal point my entire life.

I was raised in a strict baptist home. My father was a decon in the church and he preached at times. His oldest son was a baptist preacher as well.

We were taught the usual mumbo jumbo that goes around in a religious household.

It was early on in which I saw the discrepancies and fallacies of such teachings. We were taught that god loves you unconditionally, that is of course you never pissed him off by not living up to what he wanted.

If you committed any of a number of sins this god was going to throw you into a lake of fire to burn forever. What was considered sins varied widely depending on who you listened to.

Religion is built on lies embraced as truth.

I remember one time when I was a little girl I discovered my parents had lied to me. Up to this point each christmas we were told about a man named Santa Claus that would bring us presents if we were good. A harmless white lie right?

I know this seems silly but please hear me out.

I still remember the day I found out that Santa was not real. Most kids just shrug it off I guess but I still remember going to my room hurt and confused. How could they have lied to me?!?! What else have they lied to me about?!?!

I don't know maybe I was a weird little kid but I never trusted my parents again.

Another lie we were taught was how this god cared about us and all we had to do was pray to him and he would help us in any situation.

This I later learned was also a lie. Many nights when things were going wrong and I was being hurt over and over, I would pray. Nothing happened. This magical god turned a deaf ear.

The more I learned the more angry and bitter I became. I made them pay for years for lying to me.

After I became an adult and no longer lived at home I still struggled, with religion, with life.

After a few years I caved in with years of guilt, pain, anger and went back to religion because without it I was doomed for hell.

I went in and out. Never able to measure up. I knew in my heart I would never be good enough for this god to claim me as his own.

Religion teaches you have freewill but apparently it is against some unwritten rule to use it.

Religion teaches you are made in this god's own image, you just can't be yourself.

I could go on and on but I am sure you get the picture.

For years I tried to do what religion said was right, always ending up depressed and wanting to end my life.

Religion taught me to hate. Myself, my family. Religion taught me to be bigoted and judgemental. I scoffed at those "beneath" me.

Religion taught me to force my beliefs upon others, my family, my children, anyone I could corner.

There is so much more I would like to share but suffice it to say religion no longer torments my soul.

When I walked away from religion and the lies I found out I also walked away from hate, away from depression, away from condemnation.

I no longer live in fear of some god and hell. I no longer hate others that have differing beliefs. I no longer fight depression.

Today my life is what I make it. Today I can truly say I know how to love unconditionally.

I challenge you to look at your life and see what lies you hold to as truth.

The first person I must quit lying to is.......

                                    ...........myself

Just be honest & say you don't give a damn!

You say you care about people who are hungry yet you never share with them something to eat.

You say you care that they have nothing to wear yet you never give anything they could wear.

I am so sick and tired of hearing xians & church groups claim they care!

They only help if they think there is a possibility they can convert them.

Pentecostals today are all getting fatter & and fatter. They know every restaurant/waitress in town yet can't feed a person that has nothing.

I am so sick of the apostolic liers. "Oh we want to help those in need" "if we knew how to help we would" .....the excuses & lies go on.

Be honest for once and just tell us you don't give a damn! Your actions have already exposed your true self.

For once listen to your own lies and ask yourself "how can we expect anyone to believe this shit when it is evident we don't believe it ourselves?"

Signed,

Homeless, Hungry, Dying

(we are watching)

Yet again..

Well once again I face being homeless.

One of my roommates has to move to Florida to care for a parent that recently had a stroke.

Then Friday we were informed that my other roommate no longer has a job due to the store closing its doors. There is not enough time for her to find new employment & get her first check before our rent will be due.

Seeing I only make $700 a month, me paying our $650 rent is impossible.

As much as I would like to relocate, I still have to pay to get my van fixed which will be close to $400.

Without the van working I would be left to make it on foot.

I asked a few people to help by making a phone call or two in order to help us find a cheap place to stay until roommate could find a new job. Apparently that was too much to ask.

As of May 31, 2012 I will be homeless along with my roommate. From the looks of things we will be stuck living in my van.

So if you don't hear from me for awhile that is why.

I am really tired of trying. Have spent years helping others only to get shit on in the process.

"What about your vision?"

Glad you asked. My vision died within your lies.

Thanks for nothing.

I am one of the forgotten who hasn’t forgotten. (Part 2)

I used to teach you and your children at church. 

I wiped your tears, watched you grow up. 

I was there for you most of your life, through joy and sorrow, praying that God would keep you safely in His hands.

I watched you go through school and trials of every kind. Watched you make mistakes, wrong choices. But I always held out hope for you. Was always there holding out my arms when you came running.

Now I am old and have been sent away. I have no family so nursing homes are where I abide. I guess you are just too busy to remember my name but I remember yours.

No one visits, no one calls. No cards, no letters. Just living my life alone, feeling as though all those years and tears I had wasted my time. To be forgotten now with no one for me to run to when I am afraid. When I just need a hug or know someone cares.

So many of you I can remember. Do I ever cross your mind or to the forgotten have you become so blind?

Through the voice of a friend.

I have been a writer most of my life but not long ago I had an experience that really touched my heart.

A friend of mine for many years invited me to go to a writers club meeting with her. At the meetings you print up a few things you have written and then everyone lets you know what they think about it. Also you are supposed to read one of your writings aloud for the group which I had no desire to do lol

My friend offered to read my writing for me. I was glad to not have to be the one reading so said sure. As I sat there that evening listening to my dear friend speak my words I was moved beyond belief. Firstly I had never heard anything I have written read aloud and especially not by a friend.

 The experience was made more awesome because of who this friend was, because I knew that on some level she could actually understand what I had put on paper.

Then I began to think about this experience for days. Wondering what it would be like if I could speak the words for other people that are hurting but can't seem to find their voice to express them? What would it mean to just one lost soul to hear someone speak their words for them? To know that at least one person really did understand, did care.

Could I care enough to stop and really hear what they are saying? Could I lay down my judgments and expectations long enough to see the real person?

I care! Ask me why!

I am one of the forgotten who hasn’t forgotten. (Part 1)

My name is Jeremy, and this is a picture of my little brothers Justin, James and I when we were younger before we became one of the forgotten.

When we were1, 2 and 4 years old a church in our town began to pick us and our mother up for Sunday morning services.

We loved going to Sunday school, singing the songs, playing the games. For little children growing up poor and without a father church was our refuge from the world.

No matter what we had to face living in the projects, being poor we always knew, if we could just make it until time for that bus to come back by our house again, life would be worth living.

At church we were taught that no matter what went on in our lives that Jesus would always love us, that he died so that our sins could be forgiven and we could one day go to heaven to be with him forever, never to hurt again.

When I was 6 I heard it said that the Holy Ghost was for anyone that wanted it, and that Jesus wanted me to be a part of his family. So as a young scared little boy, I made my way to an altar and there began to repent of my sin and asked God to forgive me and help me to be what I should be. Not long into the prayer I received the Holy Ghost; I spoke in a language I did not know. It was scary yet exhilarating all the same. I thought in that moment that I could do and be anything I wanted because I knew finally love and peace.

The next week my mother and I were baptized in Jesus name. I never thought life could be so wonderful. Yes we were still poor, still had struggles, but I had peace in my heart and home for the first time in my short life. I had never seen my mother so happy.

Things in life went pretty well after this and in time my little brothers even got the Holy Ghost and was baptized. At home we listened to songs about Jesus, we read the bible together. I heard my mother pray after we went to bed and it was such a comforting sound.

As time went on I made it through Jr. High and it was time for me to attend high school. I was scared yet excited. I had grown so much spiritually over the last few years and was excited to see what my life had to offer.

One day a few months after I started attending high school, my brothers and I came home from the bus ride home to find my mother in the kitchen crying. I went to her and asked her what was wrong and she just told us to pray, that she needed time to ask God how to handle a problem.

So for a couple of days that was our prayer anytime we got down on our knees. I remember thinking, God I have no idea what has upset my mother so but please give her peace again and help her find the answers she needs.

I woke up and began to dress for church. I wanted to badly to make it to church and share with my friends there the prayer request for my mother. I really hated seeing her hurting and confused.

As I sat on the front steps waiting for the church bus to come my mother stepped out on the porch and sat next to me wiping the tears from her eyes. She said:

“Jeremy, I just don’t know how to tell you this but to just come out and say it, but I got a phone call last week from the church people that have picked us up over the years and they have decided it is not feasible to have a bus ministry any longer. They said they can no longer afford to pay for gas to pick us all up over here. So I guess the only ones that can attend that church from now on are people who are not in need.”

With that she got up, went inside and never mentioned God or church in front of my brothers and I again.

I was devastated. My entire world had come crashing down in that one statement. As I look back I realize I had become one of the forgotten.

We lived quite a few miles from the church so it was not feasible to try to walk or ride my bike. Besides we really were only welcome on Sunday mornings now that I began to look back. What I thought I was part of, belonged to, really was all a fable when the truth be told.

You see, you may have forgotten me. I do understand. It has been years since you have seen my face. But I remember you. I remember the times you told me Jesus cared. I remember the times you said you would be there. I remember the times you said call me if you ever need anything.

I never in all those years called on you. Never asked for favors, for money, or for help.

Then the one day I do call you say I am sorry I am just not cost effective. My soul basically is not worth a few gallons of gas. When you decided to not pick up my mother, brothers and I, you also quit picking up 25+ other people that lived in my apartments at the time.

Do we ever cross your mind? Do you ever wonder how we turned out? Can you even remember any of our names?

When did humans become disposable?

Do you know where we all are now? What our lives are like?

Two girls that rode the bus to your church with me have committed suicide in the last few years, deciding there just wasn’t anything left to live for.

One of the guys that got the Holy Ghost about the same time I did is now in prison for killing his wife and two children.

One of the mothers of our group is now raising her three granddaughters because their mother and father went to prison for cooking meth. (Both of which had attended church with us)

My mother has gone back to her old life. She never smiles or laughs. She never could get over the pain.

I have my own car now and family and wondered about you so decided to drive by the church. I really had to say I felt sad when I saw the huge buildings you had. There were gyms, a coffee shop, bookstore, gift shop, rooms for almost anything you can think of. But try as I might I saw not a bus one.

I guess people like me, the forgotten are still not cost effective for your God.

Honestly I wish you had never come to my house that day. I wish you had never told me Jesus cared or shared the bible with me. At least then I wouldn’t remember what I didn’t learn.

But you shared then walked away.

You may have forgotten us but we still can call your name.

My last thought I think at night is: God when this all ends will you remember my name or only theirs?

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This is what kind of story we leave in our wake when we start a ministry then allow ourselves to get too busy, get tired or any other excuse to quit doing what we were called to do.

Who are the forgotten in your life?