Once you see the truth............

Once you have learned the truth about something what do you do?

Do you choose to pretend ignorance? Perhaps claiming its our tradition to do this?

Once you learn the truth can the thing you once thought to be true ever be truth again?

Many say ignorance is bliss. In and of itself that is true. But I have to wonder about "chosen ignorance." Choosing to continue in the once held truth after learning the real truth is nothing more than living a lie.

If your traditions are born out of lies, based on lies, then it stands to reason that you cannot make that tradition truth no matter how hard you try.

Dare to live up to the truths you have learned in your life. Dare to hear the beat of that different drummer. Dare to swim against the stream.

There is freedom and liberty in living what you know is true and no having to live up to a lie.

I challenge you to examine your beliefs and traditions and see. Do you live with truth or chosen ignorance?

Do you celebrate holidays because its your tradition? Do you know what it is you really celebrate?

I find it very disturbing that Christians are so willing to hold fast to pagan holidays. I won't go into this at this point but will post some more information soon, but suffice it to say, Don't confuse me with your double talk. Either your christian or your not. If you celebrate holidays that were born from pagan roots, then you may want to change the title you claim.

If someone wants to celebrate these holidays, thats their choice. But I do find fault to those who will damn a pagan to hell, then turn around and embrace their holidays as their own.

Either you lie or you tell the truth. Either you live truth, or you live a lie.

Why choose ignorance?

This is the end

tonite i've got this sinking feeling
as i now lay awake in my bed
i struggle with all my reasoning
of the things i left unsaid

every time i close my eyes
i hear your voice inside my head
remembering each one of your lies
wishing and hoping to be dead

tell-tale signs of never ending fear
traitorous vengence, my will split
never escaping the malevolence here
dalight is gone so now i just sit

scorned and refused, all broken and abused
spurned and forgotten i sit in the ash
with sorrow and sadness i remain confused
to live one more day it just seems so rash

hate consumes me, it's hurt will last
it splinters my mind, that once was great
pain thats within me i know won't pass
my spirit fragmented, i cannot remake

i'm satisfied, this is finally the end
no more living in your lies
being so crushed, i no longer bend
just close my eyes, my arms reach to the skies

Such A Fine Line

In my heart for you
there is hate
In my heart for you
there is love
Such a fine line

So much bitterness but yet
I am confused
In your absence it's your
presence I miss
Such a fine line

How can I love one that
I hate so
How can I hate one that
I love
Such A Fine Line

Why couldn't you have been all along as you were in the end?
All I wanted was for you to see me and to love me.
Just to accept me like I am, not what you wanted.

Didn't you know I could never be that person you always looked for?
I tried, I really did, but it never was enough.

Never worthy of your love.
I you would have just stopped to look, you would have found that
I was willing to love you , as you were...

...Such A Fine Line. (I wrote this one the day after my father passed away)

If..............

If I could tell you
I would say,
"Hold me, I hurt"
Instead, I say,
"Don't Touch Me"

If I could tell you
I would say,
"Love me, I'm lonely"
Instead, I say,
"I Don't Need Anyone"

If I could tell you
I would say,
"Help me, I'm dying"
Instead, I say,
"I Don't Want Help"

If I could tell you
I would say,
"Can you see me?"
Instead, I say,
"Please, Don't Look"

If I could tell you...
...I Would...

The Forgotten Child

There is a place, that for most, is forgotten.
A place where now only memories can be.
It is a place where everyone must travel and if looked upon,
many times only pain and suffering can be seen.

Each of us must go through this place in our lives as we begin
to grow, for we are born there. As we grow we see the hurts and
pains of life. There are many questions as to why, but we are
thought to be too young to understand. So begins the life of
the forgotten child.

As a child, we all want to be loved. In the course of life we
cling to those who will give us this love we so desire. As we
begin to grow, we learn that the very ones that we depend on for
life's needs are the ones that cause the greatest pain. So the
first lesson that we learn is "To be loved, it must hurt." As
we grow we learn to hide the pains in order to keep the love we
crave. So grows the forgotten child.

So many times I have wondered what happens to that child that
never knew true love. Where is that child today? That child is
inside many of the people you see on the streets today. As a
forgotten child, we go through life looking for a way to forget.
So builds the walls of the forgotten child.

As this child grows the walls must be just a little bit higher
than before. As time grows on the child is totally closed within
those walls. These walls for a time were of great comfort and was
a place to run and be safe, a place to forget. Each brick represents
a part of life. Some hurts are very obvious, but others are more
obscure. Nobody sees, nobody notices, just how it gets started.
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel. Nobody saw how this
child began to die, even though life had just begun. Inch by inch
this child dies on the inside. So grows the captivity of the
forgotten child.

In time this child gets placed inside the walls to stay because it
is now too painful to let her out. Life goes on and now people have
to go through life without this child. It is so easy to leave her
inside and just get through the day. So is built the lid for the forgotten child.

As life progresses we learn to live without this child. But to
live without this child we also learn to live without love and joy.
Only the child could love.

There comes a time in our lives that the forgotten child begins to
ask to be heard. How does a child that never was allowed to love and
grow be heard? How does this child express the desires of heart?
There is the fear of not being understood or being rejected. Or
maybe there is a fear that they were the cause. Whatever the fear,
we keep that child silent and tell them that it is just better to
leave things as they are. Sometimes we let this child out just to
find out that it will be hurt all over again. So begins the forgetting
of the child once again.

at your feet

i throw myself at your feet
my eyes are full of tears
they tell me that's where we'll meet,
my heart full of pain of all the years

as I throw myself at your feet
my heart silently begins break
you are asking me to let go
but my sorrow is to great

i don't know about tomorrow
as my tears are rolling down
my pillow dampened with my sorrow
the memories always abound

my mind is overwhelmed and i cannot say
if only i could find that place to run and hide
so i sadly rise up and walk away
for i know my sorrow always will abide

sea of memory

Abridged future at dusk, dawn alight through sorrow.
I fear of losing today in the sea of tomorrow.
My memories bleed their color and then they slowly fade.
Through the loss of hope the blows of pain engrave.
My forgotten epitaph, misunderstood upon cracked headstone.
Reads only that in this faltered grave of mine, I lie alone

I lay across the horizon eternally watching the stars awake
Counting the years that pass with each new morning break
Time is nocturnal, passing only when I close my eyes
Only to reopen in fear to foreign and forgotten skies
Winds blow like a voice who's volume is slowly dimmed
False echoes remitted in the chasms in time condemned

How long I have walked upon this earth I cannot say
Thousands of years seem blurred as to a single day
A shooting star falling deeper into space, a fire growing forever cold
I forget the times I spent, now parting to become old
Space it seems is all to small, closing around me like a cage
I long for the end of eternity alone and the sunset of an age

Existence be known to me, as surf above a wave less wake
Lapping at my feet as a reminder of what shortened lifetimes from me take
My bed of sand flows through my hands with the pulse of hourglass beat
Slipping away no more to stay (beneath me lay the sands of time), gilding form deceit
Spirit am I, no more deny my passage gone by. I lie back and take the past with hapless taste
For death is fate and eternity takes the will to wander in life's embrace

One by one I watched them die wondering when my time will come
As petals fall from wilting flowers like a whispered chorus sung
Heaven's gaze sought from afar as I wish to join the dead
But all I have is a massive sea of memories, tide flow within my head
Pieces of me were torn when each loved one was lost to me
I find that no matter what I do, I soon drown within my sea

this is me

This is me, in true honesty
Through pain of borne insanity
My faults lay bare, aside my despair
Damage inflicted and far from repair
I leave myself open my thoughts be outspoken
Hidden away in shadows my heart lays broken
For those who have spoken true passion for life
And in kindness, not blindness lay rest the darkness in sight

can you not see?

can you not really see what is flowing inside of me
are my mistakes and faults all you see
is there nothing good contained within
when you look at me do you only see my sin

i know i am not perfect in any way
yet i wish i was like you this very day
so much is in turmoil with in my heart
to even explain i know not where to start

all wrapped up in the pain of my life
everywhere i go i see nothing but strife
when does the madness really end
is my life even worth the trouble to defend

each day i awake and always pray
that i would not have to endure another day
yet when i open my eyes and look around
my heart has fallen even closer to the ground

where will this all end i do not know
its the life i have been given i just go with the flow
not really sure if i can still can swim
just daily following lifes little whim

so what if i truly end up on the ground
will there be another life to be found
if i should die before i wake
who will my soul really take

so many things i question in this thing i call life
sometimes the air is so thick you can cut it with a knife
i always wonder why i fight so hard to cling
when an end is so much easier to bring

why is it you ask when you really dont want to know
after all you already know what it is i have in tow
no one really wants to look into the soul
yet to pretend to look is most people goal

so if you see within me a flaw
dont stand there in awe
just remember i am ugly on the inside
and that i cannot i hide

lets just sit here and agree
that instead of look you will flee
no matter how hard you try to change me
you words are just more of decree

how much of a failure i am with no hope in sight
just one more push and i will take my final flight
even if you truly meant no ill
you words always seem to kill

in the night

Sleepless nights,
dreadful dreams,
are haunting me.

The mysterious sounds
of the night,
are very frightening me.

Panic and rage
Runs through my body
The devil is trying to get in.

Day after day
I fight off the urges
That would be so satisfying

A battle rages
Deep within my soul
It's all I can do to hold on.

Prayer is my weapon,
faith gives me peace of mind,
to stop the demons from taking over.

Depression knocks me down,
Grace picks me back up,
As the battle still rages

I pray and pray
For the fight to end
But I know the battle is still within.

enslaved

At night I sit alone and watch the shadows dance around.
I hold my breath and listen yet silence is the only sound.
I reach for some comfort yet feel no embrace.
I am tired of the emptiness and loneliness of this place.
I can feel no more hurt because I have learned to live with my pain.
I often wonder how I survived and continue to stay sane.
I have hurt so deeply and cried too many tears.
I have been empty and broken for so many years.
I am tired of pretending that I am fine and all is okay.
I am tired of hiding behind this mask I wear every day.
I have drifted so far and can no longer be saved.
These feelings hold me captive and to them I am enslaved.

silent serenity

Quiet moments
Peaceful Solitude
Ears perk as to wait for first vibration
Thoughts ramble
My existence
Thoughts ramble
Am I worthy of such peaceful parade that the earth exhibits
I feel I am as long as I run with the wildness of Silent Serenity

awakenings

Whispers so silent like voices unheard,
Coaxing my spirit a lesson unlearned.
Confused by a feeling but knowing it's right,
Wanting to grab and hold on so tight.
The winds that do blow, speak of a truth
Directing me gently and understand too.
My spirit sees tears and bidding goodbye,
Somewhere I am and don't understand why.
I see visions in dreams of a wonderful place,
Breathtaking beautiful, I softly embrace.
Eyes with great darkness, a love yet unknown,
Perhaps I'm mistaken, the beauty is shown.
A nudge to my heart from a force yet unseen,
Stronger than mine, yet wickedly keen.
Now for the doubt, though I'm not wise as I seem,
Show me your heart and my spirit will sing.

soul bleeding

My soul lies bleeding
on the floor.
I hear laughter
on the other side
of the door.

Do you see the damage
you've done?
Do you do it all for fun?
It makes no difference
in the end- you're gone.

Woke up this morning
and the sun wasn't yellow.
It had a touch of gray.
Will I have a better
tomorrow? For that
I hope and pray.

Lord come and take me away!
I can't put up
with the sadness and the anger.
The world is just so mad these days.
Everything is messed up and makes no sense.
It's all just too intense.
Reality is just too real these days.

chains of life

Standing alone in darkness, I wonder

Where does the adventures of life lead us?

Either we aim high or fall on our faces.

Does the existence of reality

Haunt our true dreams of hope and loneliness?

We walk thousand of miles to find

What we think our heart desires

and often we find that there is nothing there

But chains of life we place upon ourselves.

in times of drifting

March 2, 2009 at 2:54pmI sometimes find I'm drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I'm truly
Worth what I've been blessed.

I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.

You see me in my daily grind,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am alone, I question
Just where I belong.

I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.

For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.

Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?

It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.

I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.

It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.

Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?

Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth ...
Or will I be perplexed?

Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?

Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow.

no one there

Hitting.
Yelling.
Ears always ringing.
"Just leave me alone!"
She yells into her arms
cradled around her face.
Hiding away,
In a corner
Of her dark room
She wishes she could be alone.
With no one there
To make her weak.
No one there
To interrupt the quiet sniffles
As she let's herself go.
No one there.
No one there.

Arguing.
Throwing.
Picture frames breaking.
"Just leave me alone!"
She cries into her hands
Cupped around her face.
Hiding away
In a corner
Of her dark room
From the threatening hands outside.
She wishes she could be alone.
With no one there
To bruise her cheek.
With no one there
To interrupt the peace
As she let's herself go.
No one there.
No one there.

the darkness

Running scared,
She sprints down the dim wooded path.
The darkness that had haunted her,
Hungry again.
She trips,
Landing on the ground in a pile of leaves.
She jumps up,
And runs on.
Afraid of The Shadow that stalks her,
She doesn't look back.
Slowing to a halt,
Her lungs burn,
Her legs weak.
Holding her breath,
Giving in to it's power,
She slowly turns.
The Darkness surrounds her,
Satisfying It's hunger.

monster within

Eating away inside my mind
Years of anger making me blind
When the monster within takes control
I might as well die for I have no soul.

Bitterness rises up from my gut
From the top of my head right down to my foot
It surges, it feeds, it destroys those I love
It controls from within like a puppet on a glove.

The things I say, the things I do
How can anyone love me, how can you?
How can you love this monster in me?
How can I and will I ever break free?

It’s almost like I become possessed
Yet in my heart I long for rest
For tranquility, calm and peace to come
To undo all this hurt before my time is done.

The anger so strong, so deep inside
All I want is to run and hide
To get in a box, to climb in a bin
To get away from this monster within.

your words really confuse me

you don't really know me
for to you i am just a stranger

yet i see you every day
our paths cross time and time again

you think i don't listen to what you say
yet listen is all i have done

i must be honest and let you know
its your testimony that confuses me so

you tell me God is love
you tell me you love me
yet as i watch you live your life
i am confused as your brother or sister you hate

you tell me God can forgive me for all of my sin
yet i watch your life and watch you walk around feeling so down
condemned for your own sin, can he forgive me and not you?

you tell me God is your healer
yeah you are always sick

you tell me God is our only hope
yet as i watch your hope is money, and your job, and possessions

you tell me that God would love for everyone to be saved
yet week after week you never leave your pew to find a lost soul
week after week you go to work
you go home and lock your door from the world

you tell me that God supplies our needs
yet i hear you talk of all you do without
funny how its always about us
and never that one without a house
without some food
without some clothes

you tell me God is your joy and hope
yet as i pass you each day
you seem so down and depressed
the smallest things in your life
seems to make you feel worthless
that life has no meaning

you tell me God loves unconditionally
yet the conditions to be accepted into the fold
are so many one can never measure up

you tell me i can talk to you about anything
yet as i watch when problems arise where are you
you tell me, i wont tell a word
yet at the first sign of trouble the words begin to flow

all this is so confusing to me
do you realize what your testimony does to me?

why does it hurt so much just to be me?

My existence is depressing
always hurting never resting
The pain is the kind to make you sigh
never out but on the inside
It always burn and never stops
it swirls around just like a top
It hurts to see
It hurts to be
I just wish to live
to love and to give
But no-one will let me
It hurts just to be me
My dreams are full of hope
but they all think that I'm just a dope
No-one will let me
It hurts just to be me
I know there are others
That feel just as I do
but no-one will talk to me
It hurts just to be me
Why can't I be normal
and have lot's of friends
If this continues
it will be a means to an end

why does it hurt so much just to be me?

dusk of my life

No stars in the sky
One light in the dark
I can't see anything except my face
Nobody hears me
Nobody wants to listen
Nobody is awake
My voice is lost in the dark

I am in their world
I'm not alive
But I'm shouting in the dark
I'm crying in the dark
I'm sinking in the dark

I wanna swallow the dark
But I know it would rip me apart
With my black knife
I shall cut away the pain and strife

I saw a bleeding line
A shining line
It's the dusk of my life

promises made in the dark

promises made in the dark
never believe
if you do, you will just
grieve

promises made in the dark
don't come from within
they are made in a hurry
from lust and sin

promises made in the dark
have no real meaning
if you think they are real
you are just dreaming

promises made in the dark
can make you delirious
they are to get something
so please don't take them serious

promises made in the dark
can never be real
by the one who makes them
love they don't feel

promises made in the dark
are nothing but lies
made by a lot of people
while looking you in the eyes

promises made in the dark
can never come true
you mind, your body, your life
they want to screw

promises made in the dark
i did believe
sadly now i just
grieve

Love leads to pain

Love leads to pain

Pain leads to hatred

Hatred leads to sorrow

Sorrow leads to despair

Despair leads to pleasure

Pleasure leads to happiness

Happiness leads to love

Love leads to pain

broken inside

On the outside I'm smiling

On the inside I'm crying

There's no point of living as I'm slowly dying

Take me as I am

Or not at all

I don't care not no more

As I go to bed at night I wish people knew what I am like

But that doesn't worry me in the slightest way

As I mourn in sorrow all the time of day

Why is this happening?

Why am I depressed?

I just want to stick a knife through my chest

But I know I would be hurting the people around me

That's just it

That's the key

How would I even no if it would bother thee?

It's funny how you think about it

Or when you write it down

People just think that you're trying to be a clown

It hurts deep inside that they don't have a clue

When actually it's very true

You know when people say scars run deep but tears fade away

My tears don't fade as they will always stay

When you take the time to see

You will realize that that's just me

please hear what i am not saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask,
a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

my final farewell

as i look down from the mountaintop
wanting desperately to leap off..
wanting to fly..
to spread my arms and just fall.

not a care in the world.
not a soul to care for..
no one to care for me..
no one left to understand..
no one to listen to my pleas..

Pleas of sorrow, Pleas of pain..
Head hurting so bad..
Eyes swollen shut..
Not a tear left in me to shed.

Free.... i will be free
Fly away..

just to be free.

Dark Night

Twilight ever shadowed in impending doom

Alone here I stand in the light of the moon

Kindness betrayed, all hope has been lost

Devils are dancing at the foot of the cross

Flesh be abused by the cold winter wind

Warmth be consumed by the soulless within

Evil approaches on such swift steed

A sword he brandishes and violence his need

Alone here I cower, in the shadow of dark night

Obscured is my vision, and blackened my sight

He rises above me in grim and dark terror

To vanquish me swiftly and death bring forever

To violence and chaos, bring death and despair

Steal my will, and sanity tear

To eternity and oblivion we each fight to the death

Until the dark end, and the last haunted breath

Caught up in rage, thoughts scattered to wind

My reluctance engaged, and turmoil within

Capture my spirit and batter my mind

Take what is lost in ravaging time

Enough of this struggle, I long for the end

Long have we battled, in darkness and sin

Defeated in shame, I drop to my knees

Extinguish my light in the malevolent seas

Victory forgotten in the cause of revenge

Hate is consuming while symptoms begin

My price was less in which to pay

For while I have left he has stayed

Fate accepted at the loss of my life

For the penance he paid was too high a price

Journey of heartbreak

Evening has passed into eternal night, Sunlight forever slipping away
My heart is far from being right, alone and wishing for someone to say

Where could things have gone, to take me down this darkened road
I turn around and the path is long, my direction is lost and my will has grown old

I see now I am climbing further down, Away from the person I used to be
I scream for help but there is no sound, the definition of myself is no longer me

The promise of morning light has kept me, hoping that I will last another year
I only wished to just be free, but freedom is drowned in tears

I hate myself for what I have done, when I walked away from all I loved
I just can't fight the feelings that come, swallowing me, hollowing me, my love

Why did I even bother to fall for you, when I knew that it would break my heart
I just wanted to have something true, Love is something of what I wanted a part

One day my broken heart will recover, when I find the place I am searching for
Truth told me to leave my lover, but truth tears me apart even more

This path grows colder as the night stretches on, My memories carry me even further away
My choices are made however wrong, I just wished that I could stay...

(insane) Just like the rest...

I cannot ever silence, The voices in my head
Screaming out in violence, I know they want me dead

Close your eyes, Forget all your fears
Blot out the skies, For a thousand years
(C) Truth is pain, Life is death
We're all insane, Just like the rest

Silence in my thoughts, Lies within my mind
The insanity never stops, When all inside are blind

Open your eyes, Taste of my tears
Forget all the lies, Of my darkest deep fears
(C) Truth is pain, Life is death
We're all insane, Just like the rest

A hollowed beast within, An angel, wings without
My heart is filled with sin, My mind with fear and doubt

Slit your wrist, And cut your throat
Bloody your fist, With curses spoke
(C) Truth is pain, Life is death
We're all insane, Just like the rest

Go to sleep, In bed with death
Insanity keep, My last cold breath
(C) Truth is pain, Life is death
We're all insane, Just like the rest
(C) Truth is pain, Life is death
We're all insane, Just like the rest!

Sea of memories

Abridged future at dusk, dawn alights through sorrow.
I fear of losing today in the sea of tomorrow.
My memories bleed their color and then they slowly fade.
Through the loss of hope the blows of pain engrave.
My forgotten epitaph, misunderstood upon cracked headstone.
Reads only that in this faltered grave of mine, I lie alone

I lay across the horizon eternally watching the stars awake
Counting the years that pass with each new morning break
Time is nocturnal, passing only when I close my eyes
Only to reopen in fear to foreign and forgotten skies
Winds blow like a voice whose volume is slowly dimmed
False echoes remitted in the chasms in time condemned

How long I have walked upon this earth I cannot say
Thousands of years seem blurred as to a single day
A shooting star falling deeper into space, a fire growing forever cold
I forget the times I spent, now parting to become old
Space it seems is all to small, closing around me like a cage
I long for the end of eternity alone and the sunset of an age

Existence be known to me, as surf above a wave less wake
Lapping at my feet as a reminder of what shortened lifetimes from me take
My bed of sand flows through my hands with the pulse of hourglass beat
Slipping away no more to stay (beneath me lay the sands of time), gilding form deceit
Spirit am I, no more deny my passage gone by. I lie back and take the past with hapless taste
For death is fate and eternity takes the will to wander in life’s embrace

One by one I watched them die wondering when my time will come
As petals fall from wilting flowers like a whispered chorus sung
Heaven's gaze sought from afar as I wish to join the dead
But all I have is a massive sea of memories, tide flow within my head
Pieces of me were torn when each loved one was lost to me
I find that no matter what I do, I soon drown within my sea

This Torrential Sea

Crest peak pillar, spatter the surface of the torrential sea
Chaos at best within its wakes
Foundations, exaltations quake within its gates
Discord aboard in uniform chord covering
Threaten all who cower above the cold blue grasp
Will to soon re-hash in for collapse
Recognized contact, force contract of leasing lapse
In this torrential sea of death’s full infirmary
Admitting all within the unrelenting gape, azure dripped jaws none escape
Overriding laws break to all appall and elate
Under who’s weight no man can stand, or then command
The higher hand grip for land
Understand not before, what is held in store, through open door
Portrait painted for fools whose in its depths will soar
Gape gashing valley crack, footing for large force emitted entity
Awake in a thrashing rally stack of slaughter obscenity
Five fold lives sold, it’s tallied body-count scratched into walls eternally
Pooling and schooling the masses as the supreme ruling fascist
Classic lashes against my passive and withered weak control
Though each in slow, relentless tow… In turns bestow, agendas burn low
Pathogen infects a swell from well inset deep below the sea…
Down dragging me
In sound consuming me
Hound and influencing,
The errors becoming me
Free terror is punishing me
Deeds impaired, for where fill and is killing me
In this torrential sea, that is me…

This is...

This is my revelation, my theory for this life
This is my contradiction, indecisive, if wrong or right
This is my resolution, my decision, however hard
This is my evolution, changing forever toward
This is my revolution, freedom from these chains
This is my conclusion, an end to what brings pain

This is me, this is mine, this is what I feel inside
You think you know, you think I care, you can't find me anywhere
They can't help, they can't know, they can't even keep their soul
Before you think, before you act, take some time and cut some slack

This is my non-solution, and problems to contemplate
This is my anti-intrusion, mind alone and reprobate
This is my exclusion, lost when I left out
This is my illusion, deluded by my doubt
This is my emotion, the feelings I hold true
This is my impulsion, and the hate I feel for you

This is me, this is mine, this is what I feel inside
You think you know, you think I care, you can't find me anywhere
They can't help, they can't know, they can't even keep their soul
Before you think, before you act, take some time and cut some slack

This is my love, what makes me feel this way
This is my lost, what hurts me when you say
This is my heart, what holds my life inside
This is my mind, and insanity it hides
This is my hope, the dreams I want to hold
This is my life, to live until it's old

This is life, this is death, this is my last cold breath
This is heaven, this is hell, this is what I know so well
I don't know, and I don't care, I cant find me anywhere
I can't help, I can't know, all I did was sell my soul

Seasons of the soul

Angels of light in the cold winter night
Have come to bring sorrow of nothing tomorrow
Sing me to rest with dreams of life blessed
And count off the tears of these past hundred years
Lift me forever above demon terror
And lay me to sleep at my lover's warm feet
I've wandered and lost my way from the cross
A sinner not saved from salvation betrayed
Forgive me my father my heart has grown harder
I cannot come back from daylight gone black
Turn not away from your son you can't save
Try once again to free me from sin
And give me new life with shimmering light
Believe not the lies of the cold winter skies
Truth is not clear when clouded with fear
So pray for the light to break through the night
And gather the parts of my lone broken heart
Piece back together my love held forever
Silence the screams of tortured dark dreams
And give me release in hopes of my peace
Through terrible pain I have gone insane
From wanting to die with you by my side
Bringing within my life come to end
And take me back home to heaven's safe throne
Keep me to stay no longer to stray
Silence my fears of lonely dark years
And in death reunite to lovers by night

I'm Wondering

You are a killer that lives inside my head
I'm wondering how it feels to be dead

You put evil deep within my brain
I'm wondering what it's like with no pain

I try to kill the monster within my mind
I'm wondering if happiness I ever will find

I look in the mirror and see my eyes
I'm wondering who's behind my disguise

I can't sleep at night when it's dark outside
I'm wondering if there's a place to hide

I am running from my past you are calling my name
I'm wondering why it all ends up the same

There is no consolation in the shadows I find
I'm wondering who's voices are crowding my mind

Who needs the devil when you have me
I'm wondering if peace I ever will see

Imprisoned

Slender beams of moonlight enter
this darkened prison as I kneel,
always lost, always forlorn,
frozen here,
waiting.

Accusing forms wrought in panes of glass loom as
dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind,
penetrating my exposed soul.

Realization dawning on my face.

I raise my head, now embracing
this callous reality.

Goodbye to you...

Well good morning to you, my dearest friend
The time has come, this is my fated end
I go beyond all reason, and thoughts start splintering
This life is but a season, and death comes quickening
I fear what lies beneath the surface of my life
I walk alone, through my pain, hunger, and strife
Please say a prayer for me, and beg unto the gods
My body lifeless here, food for ravenous dogs
Take me away from this cold dark hole
I can't stand this life, just let go

Good afternoon to you, my dear and kindest brother
You always cared for me; you were my shield and cover
I love you so, just let go, and keep my ended memory
No fear for you, and death come true, I go to my own misery
And with take care, and death beware, you need not follow me
Strike the stone; I walk alone, Parted brothers, for eternity
My love for you, no love for you, just stops your hurting me
I must let go, you can't let go, torn inside, and I’m withering

Good night to you, my dearest lover
I have gone from you, to love no other
I can’t stand this pain, I scream in vain
Away from you, in truth, insane...
I wished for peace
To free my mind from this cold dark prison
No sleep or release
Freedom a fleeting, forgotten vision
I wander now, my spirit howls, no end to life in sight
I want to die, with you by my side, and dim the blinding light
Malevolent screams of death filled wind silence my tortured cries
I'm satisfied, for when I died, so did the self-lived lies

A torment for eternity

I cannot breathe, I cannot scream, I cannot begin to understand
I cannot scream, or wake from this dream; my nightmare in turn is at hand
I cannot run, I cannot see, I cannot even feel myself
I cannot see, what has become of me, my pain inside is left unfelt... Believe!
Believe what you must, just let me die, you know not who you toy with
Betray my trust, with filthy lies, through your ashes we will sift... with blood
Pain, scratch the surface of my suffering
Pain, scream in vain! A torment for eternity
Fear, of what lies beneath the surface of the all to real in me
Fear, drowned sorrowing in tears! Death is all that's left for me, you should just let me be
Blood, flowing red hot through my veins, fury spelled out through death pains
Blood, won't stop gushing from my wounds, tourniquet tied now let me die
Seal me in my fated tomb, and look not upon the western sky
I live!
I live, fuck all of you, you couldn't just let me kill
Be satisfied, it's true, I am forced to live against my will
Be gone, your conclusions are wrong, you see I am much too strong
Pain is my favorite song, and I know now it won't be long
Until I'm dead, laid down to rest, within my head, I know I did my best
To take you down with me, a torment for eternity, we cannot be free
The point you should see, it was wrong to ever fuck with me
I cannot breathe, I cannot scream, I think that you should understand
You cannot scream, awake not from this dream, your nightmare eternally is at hand
Insane, seeing no reason to live, I have nothing in me left to give
Pain felt of the life I lived, so now just let me die, and look not upon the western sky...

Answer not

How do I distinguish, dark voices of the dead
How can I extinguish, 13 screams inside my head
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think it's finally done, my fears are laid to rest
It seems more questions always come, against my one request...for peace

How do I begin to tell, Darkness from no light
How could I ever spell, what evil brings my fright
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think it's cold enough, for me to finally die
The darkness serves to keep me up, and brings another lie...to me

How do I pull myself, up out of this dark hole
How can I ever ask for help, when I know that you'll let go
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think there's someone there, I find that it's just me
And when I thought someone cared, the answer I clearly see...not one

How could you my trust betray, when we were friends before
How can I now convey, the hurt that I feel more
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think it hurts too much, you twist the knife in me
And if this is all it is for us, I think that it shouldn’t be...just me (bleeding)

How can I start to feel, something more than hate
How will I ever fill, the hole of my dead fate
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think the anger's passed, It threatens to burn again
The pot begins to boil fast, with hatred from within...my heart

How can I fulfill my hope, to quiet the voices within
How to stop the dead awoke, who spread disease of sin
Questions fill my mind, Bullets fill my brain
The answers that I find just make me more insane
And when I think the devil's dead, He comes to take me home
I'm afraid to tell of what I've read, the tale of me alone...in hell

Russian Roulette

one bullet
six chambers
spinning...

click

my life in the hands of fate
three wrinkled old women
snipping loose threads from the tapestry of life
spinning...

click

lost in the dark
captured by death desire
spinning...

click

the fates are merciless
it seems I must live
one more try for all the sorrow I've endured
spinning...

Bang!

There Is Love

He watched me walk away
There was nothing to say

So wounded inside
My choices made

He strained His eyes
Hoping to see me again

That was my curse
The longing and yearning

There is love burning to find Him
Will He wait for me?

Will He be there?
His silence haunted me

Still I hungered for Him
This is my curse needing the love

Burning to find Him
Will He wait for me?

Still I want
Still I ache

Still I wait
To see Him

Dying inside these walls
I see His face in these tears

In these tears I see His face... There is love, There is love.

when.............

Many times through our struggles we question things. Today is not unlike many others.

But right now I have to ask: When does your faith become denial?

I know we are to focus on the good, the positive and have faith that God will save, deliver, heal............

But in my bible it says we are to speak to God and let our requests be made known. So my quandry is this.

If I am in horrible pain (as I am today) due to an illness, am I to just deny I have anything wrong? Does that denial equate faith? Does the denial make the sickness and pain any less?

I understand we are not to dwell on the negative and our troubles. But some days we have to be able to be honest. We have to be free in our walk with God to be able to say, hey God I really don't feel well, or I really have this problem. To be able to say "Do Lord, Do touch my little need"

God could come and heal and do what we need without us asking. But he put it in the order that unless we come to Him he stands waiting.

So here lies my struggle.

Today if I were able to be human, I would say brother help me I think I am falling, or sister please hold my hand. If I were allowed, I would cry out, someone please help me.

But instead I just close my mouth and walk away. I will live the lie one more day. I will pretend just for you that everything is ok. I have no sickness, I have no struggles, I have no pain. In turn I have no hope because I have denied my need.

Is that what God intended?

You don't think I am good enough

"You don't think I am good enough, thats ok, I'm not. You don't think I will ever get it right, thats ok, I won't. You think I don't have what it takes, it's ok I don't. You think I am hopeless, it's ok I am."

What you don't know is....I don't have to be. If I was I wouldn't need a God to help me and give me strength. He will make me what I need to be no matter what you or I think. All I have to do is follow after Him. David had as much as he messed up, God still said of him: he is "a man after mine own heart." He messed up, he sinned. Over and over. But he never quit trying to follow God. No matter how short he came up, how much he didn't measure up to what people said he should be.

Don't expect too much from me in myself. All I want is to find Gods heart. I will continue to follow Him. I will still make mistakes, I will still make wrong choices. I still won't be what you want me to be. I will just be seeking Him. Nothing more nothing less."

I will dance again

life may have taken away my ability to stand

yet in my heart i dance

life may have taken away my ability sing

yet in my heart i dance

life may have taken the words i had to say

yet in my heart i dance

Hurts, heartaches, pain and woe. They come and they go, each time taking a little bit of me with them.

You may think I will never get back up, but whatever you do, where ever you go, just remember this one thing......

I may be down on the outside..........

......yet in my heart i dance

you complain, we wish

you complain about having to go to work everyday

we wish we were able to work

you complain about your phone rings too much

we wish ours would ring...you complain about your children and how they are a bother

we just wish ours would speak to us

you complain about always having to buy groceries

we wish we had the money and ability to buy them

you complain that people ask too much of you

we wish someone would ask anything of us

you complain you need new shoes

we wish we could wear the ones we have

you complain you have nothing to wear

we wish we had somewhere to wear what we have

you complain people don't understand

we wish someone would try

you complain your car is getting old and uses too much gas

we wish we had a car in any condition

you complain there is too much to do

we just wish there was something to do

who are we you ask? we are every disabled, home-bound person you know. we are not able to jump in the car and go where we wish. our physical pain and illness keep us down.

we are doomed in our homes day after day. no one calls. no one visits.

many home-bound people do without because they are unable to meet their own needs. many home-bound people spend days, weeks even months never leaving their houses, never getting one phone call, one card. never seeing their family. many home-bound people give up because they can find no reason to keep going on.

why continue living such an empty life?

why work so hard to make it through today when tomorrow will be just as bleak?

what are their hopes? what are their dreams?

how do you go on when you know full well your dreams will never become more than just nightmares?

funny you understand after trying on the shoes.